Five Pieces of Stardust

"Seems like we'll crumble, but let's raise our fists so that no one will get lost."


Well, sort of. Anything about SMAP and my other fandoms are public.
If you really want to be my friend:


A little bit late lol


World Mental Health Day
So, it's Mental Health Week and also World Mental Health Day today and I decided to share something about my mental illness which is depression coupled with anxiety.

I admit I was not diagnosed by a professional yet but I was able to learn that what I have was something that would not disappear overnight. When I look back to all of my teenage years and early adulthood all I could see was everything is bleak with a drop of sunshine here and there. You might know what depression is but you might not know what it feels like if you haven't experience it yet and I really hope you will never ever experience it. It was the worst thing ever. Imagine getting sad for a day. What a bummer right? But imagine getting sad and miserable for more than a day, for weeks, for years. Having depression is like living but deep inside you're dead. You don't find the joy in the things you love to do before. You can't find joy in everything. Maybe you can but it's short-lived.

Then there's the stigma. A lot of people get annoyed easily when a person tell something about their feelings of sadness and the things that are weighing then down. They brush them off saying they are just attention-seekers. When you have terminal disease you will be still taken care of and people will find you inspirational when they see you trying to fight it with your might or live through it. But no one will find a depressed, suicidal person inspirational. No one find people who are fighting for their life because of this mental illness, who are trying their best everyday even though they are in the brink of giving up, who still get up from their bed even though they feel the pain in their heart, someone to look up to. Suicide is look upon as a selfish act, that it will just put pain to the suicidal's family but did they ever thought of the suicidal person's feelings? Of why they killed themselves? Where are these people condemning them when the suicidal people needs help? Who are the selfish one now? I'm not saying that suicide is the answer but I'm just tired of people who don't even know what they are saying about suicide. It's not the suicidal person's fault. It never is.

Well, this is just one of my observations. You can contradict me but the truth will still remain that having mental illness is still stigmatized. Many narrow-minded people will still not try understanding it or they will just brush it off or say things they thought is right even though whay they say is full of ignorance. Depression will not vanish once a person started thinking of nice things, it will not vanish by just pushing yourself to be happy so don't ever tell a depressed person to move on, get over it and be happy. Don't be a jerk. Don't you dare use religion too to put guilt on the person like telling that suicide is a sin or thinking of suicidal thoughts is something bad. Having suicidal thoughts is a sympton of depression and a number one sign that the depression is already bad. A depressed person is already full of guilt and self-hatred. Why add to that pile?

What can you do then? You can help a depressed person if you have the passion to search about what depression or other mental illness is and of course you need to understand them. There are a lot of articles on the internet that are helpful for someone who knows a friend or family members who have depression. A depressed person needs someone who will never give up on them. Someone who is patient, someone who will give them hope to start over again no matter how many times they relapsed and not make them feel guilt. Don't be someone who just want to try helping a depressed person just because you view it as a self-fulfillment and leave when you can't do it anymore because you got tired of dealing with the shit. Depression is shit. It will not disappear easily. I discovered this website where the artist posts comics about depressed people and the people around them. It's really an eye-opener.

Mental health is important and if ever you're suffering it is better to get professional help immediately. Easier said than done, I know. I am one of those people who still haven't gotten that kind of help I need. There are many reasons and number one of them I admit is financial needs. Why not find a job then to support my needs? Well, it's like this. I need a job to treat my depression but I can't have a job because of my depression. Did you get it? Why not ask my parents for help then? Lol they are one of those people who are narrow-minded about this. They might know I hurt myself, that I'm depressed but they just used religion to me, told me to don't do it again. Yeah, my aunt tried guilting me to get off from this depression then my mom told me not to do it again, the self-harming like telling me not to be depressed again. My mother had disappointed me a lot of times now and it hurts a lot every time.

All I can say now to you who has depression or other mental illness is you're not you're mental illness and despite what you are going through your life is very important, you are important. You are so brave by just trying to live every day. You are not alone. So cliche, I know but that's the truth. Whenever you can't bear what's weighing you down, expell that heavy feeling but don't hurt yourself. It will not help you. You will just feel shitty afterwards. If you feel like hurting yourself, distract youself instead. You can find some alternatives here, here, and here. Also, try seeking someone who you can talk to about your mental illness, it can be a family member or a friend who you can trust and someone who will understand you. If you are not comfortable with talking to someone close to you, you can try blahtherapy, it's where you can talk to strangers who can understand you about your illness.

I know it's not easy to talk to someone especially when the first people you tried reaching to failed you but you have to keep on trying to connect with someone or some people who will be there for you. Don't give up just yet. You will find them.

Sharing my story. Tl;dr: just about me having depression for 10 years now and it contains mention of suicidal thoughts and self-harm so beware. It also has a little bit mention of happiness and hope.Collapse )

Because my heart is still aching for Kato and Rikako

"If anything, you've made me fall more in love with you."

[listen here]

i. all of this past // sarah bettens

  • I find comfort here 'cos I know what is lost hope is always fear for the pain it may cost and I have searched for the reason to go on I've tried and I've tried but it's taking me so long

ii. painting flowers // all time low

  • When I wake up, the dream isn't done I wanna see your face and know I made it home if nothing is true, what more can I do? I am still painting flowers for you

iii. stay (i missed you) // lisa leob

  • You said that I was naive and I thought that I was strong  I thought, "Hey, I can leave, I can leave." but now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you

iv. counting stars //onerepublic

  • I feel something so right by doing the wrong thing and I feel something so wrong by doing the right thing I couldn't lie, couldn't lie, couldn't lie everything that kills me makes me feel alive

v. give it all // he is we

  • Don’t be shocked if I cry you’ve changed me inside I turned my back on you, you were the only reason I pulled through, I pulled through.

vi. do i wanna know // arctic monkeys

  • (Do I wanna know?) Too busy being yours to fall (Sad to see you go) Ever thought of calling darling? (Do I wanna know?) Do you want me crawling back to you?

vii. what hurts the most // rascal flatts

  • What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away and never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what I was tryin’ to do

​viii. say something // a great big world ft.  christina aguilera

  • And I will swallow my pride you're the one that I love and I'm saying goodbye



It was 2011 when I first learned about SMAP and 2012 when I fully flailed hardcore on them. Sakasama no Sora was their single back then. Six singles and two albums later, I'm still here and I can say that I'm very happy I'm still with SMAP. SMAP had given me so much joy and they still do. There are times I think that I could not love them more but they do things that make me so proud of them and I could just not help myself but to love them more.

They also made me meet some people whom I can consider very precious friends (and also my love, hi A!) so I'm also thankful to them. Without them maybe my life would be so dull right now and maybe I wouldn't be fighting this dark thing so much. I know to myself I would stay with them for a long time. I can't wait to see more of what SMAP can do as a group and as individuals.
What happened today.Collapse )


My wish for you like I have always been wishing every year for you is good health. I hope you will take care of yourself more this time, please. ;;

As usual I'm using an old item like I don't have new items so bear with me asjhjs and yes celebrating SMAP members birthday is really an excuse for me to buy sweets |D

Another update in my life:Collapse )


I kept forgetting to post this on my LJ. Been busy for the past few days because of the pre-employment training and the first two working days (yes I'm a working lady now, finally lol, more on this next time).

I'm glad it's an off day for us on July 9 so I'm able to celebrate this cutie's birthday. So happy Mister Donut has spiderman themed donuts lol. Oh gosh, he's 40 now and like what I've been asking myself since Nakai, Takuya, and Goro turned the big 40, HOW???

Best of Parks and Recreation Part 2
And here I am again bringing more scenes from Parks and Recreation that are deemed to be the best, well, for us.

Spoilers Alert!!Collapse )

The Best of Parks and Recreation
[You can skip the intro because it's long and just full of my sentiments about this show]

I have known Parks and Recreation a few years back because of the screen caps and gifs I’m seeing on Tumblr. It was only this year that it started garnering attention from me because of a certain character named April Ludgate played by Aubrey Plaza. She has this attitude that I can relate to that’s why I kinda want to watch the show but I feel lazy because all I can use is a streaming site (I feel lazy downloading lots of vids of a show that I don’t know if I will like or not) which can be slow because of my internet connection.

It was only when I realized castelfranca had been watching it and she can’t believe no one knows about this show so I told her I know it but I still haven’t watched it so she said we can watch it together. She already finished it but she wanted to watch it again so we set the date, which is June 10, and we bought pizza first before going to my house to watch it.

I started watching it not expecting that I will like it as in truly like it but after marathoning more than ten episodes I can say I was hooked, fully hooked, so hooked that I watched all the seasons in 6 days. I can say I got obsessed with this show. I have never been obsessed with anything since I got into SMAP fandom. There are shows that I love like Sherlock, Doctor Who and Supernatural but I can say I love Parks and Recreation more than those three. I’ve never been invested this much over an American show ever. It gave me so much feels. Like other American shows, it has issues that I find too irky and eyebrow raising but I saw that the writers tried to develop it into a better show. I also love the development of each character from season 1 to the current season. Each character has their own way of connecting to the audience and it just made me love them so much.

It made me laugh so much. It made me cry so much. It made me angry. It made me think. It was really a good show for me and so that’s why with the collaboration of castelfranca, we want to share in this journal the first part of the best scenes of Parks and Recreation

Beware of Spoilers!!Collapse )


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